Hi y'all. I left things kind of frantically--sorry. Here's the upshot if you're in a hurry: Oliver Orion Scott is officially here, in our arms, breathing. We are completely gaga and are in transition, of course. Life is headed towards The Valley of Insane, coming out the the Land of Crazy.
I'm still a little bit in shock. I mean, good shock. But shock. What a year. And yep, it was 10 months EXACTLY since Calla died that Oliver was born. To the date.
I feel a little bit like I've gotten as close to newborn-instant-gratification as I could have gotten. In the lotto of life, I traded in my losing ticket and won a second chance jackpot. And right now Grief is holding Joy's hand as we walk together down our particular path. When Baby O finally came out, I cried for about 15 minutes straight as I held him. Joy, grief, happiness, sadness, disbelief and relief.
It was surreal--as soon as we walked onto the L+D wing, the EXACT SAME NURSE who greeted us when we went in for Calla was there, taking care of us. And then the next morning the EXACT SAME NURSE who delivered E was with us for Baby O's birth. That night, after he was born (more on that in a different post), three of the nurses who guided us through Calla's death and birth came in to see us. They were so happy for us, and it was a relief to see them, too. They were THERE. THEY knew it was real, they helped me to bring it into balance.
Because as I was pushing Baby O out, it was a complete difference from my labor with Calla. It was calm--I swear, you could hear a pin drop in that delivery room between contractions. I started to cry because I knew, until he came out, it wasn't for sure.
But then I heard him cry. And it was . . . I have not a word for that feeling. Because before, it was a nightmare. When it was silent AFTER she was born.
I am still in disbelief. Disbelief of this entire year. Two babies, bookending 2010. The yin and the yang and the horrible and the sublime. I have harbored and pushed out two completely different beings, one girl--dead--and one boy--very much alive. Both of whom I love with ferocity.
How is it we were planning on two children for our lives, and now we have had three, and only two are with us, and if the second were here, the third most certainly would not; how is it I want them all, don't have them all, but can still find some happiness? And yet still have such sadness within me, too?
Enough for now. Baby O let me sleep quite a bit in the hospital, but I have to get my life back on track here. The mail's not going to read itself, unfortunately.
Thank you so much for all your kind words and well wishes and good thoughts. Another step in the road, ensuring my life will never be the same. I'll be back soon, got lots more to talk about. And I do promise at least one picture, soon.
XO to you all.