Sunday, May 9, 2010

Make it stop

I don't know if I can make it through this day. I want to skip over it and all the nonsense that comes along with it.

I have truly enjoyed spending time with my husband and son today, but I need it to end. I just can't handle feeling so fucking lonely and --well, MISunderstood means that someone even bothers to think about how I'm feeling. I just am feeling really alone and as though I'm a robot from another planet.

I understand I'm not the only miserable person in the world. I understand that my misery can coexist with everyone else's happiness and flowers and jewelry and balloons and Ooh-ain't-mom-so-great. But it really fucking hurts and it really fucking sucks. I'm done with Mothers' Day. Done.

And I'm done with all the millions of people walking around as though this is the most wonderful day of the year, and why would it be HARD for anyone, and I just get to enjoy my kids, and lighten up lady and be grateful for what you have. Get some fucking compassion, and empathy, and leave me the fuck alone. Let me be miserable. YOU be fucking grateful YOU don't have any dead kids to haunt you everyday, let alone the Hallmarkiest fucking "holiday" of the year.

Yes, you nincompoops. You go enjoy your living kids. Let me know how it works out.


  1. I am missing my daughter today too, but I miss her everyday. I was blessed to have two other children after Emma Grace's passing, they are amazing, but I often wonder who she would have been. I know she would be beautiful, smart and she would have done something to make the world a better place. I am wishing that Mother's Day would just fly by. I hate reading all of the posts on Facebook about how people are havind the"most amazing day ever". And these are people that I care about. So today I will visit my baby girl at the cemetery. I will kneel by her tiny headstone and question why God would take a baby that was cherished, loved and wanted. I will send her a message from my heart about how much she is missed and how she is the one who made me a mother. How when I held her perfect but still body I knew that Mother's Day would be for me too, but just not the way it is for many others. I don't want gifts, flowers or fancy cards today, the one thing I want most in the world is not coming my way. When I do "talk" to my sweet Emma Grace I'll ask her to check on your sweet Calla, because Emma has been there for too long of a time and she probably knowws everyone. So go ahead and hate today, because I do too.

  2. *hugs* If it helps, I'm pretty sure all of here in deadbabyland are right there with you. And when in doubt, open a bottle of wine. That's what I'm going to do anyways

  3. The boys at 72 love you and want you to feel whatever it is you need to feel today. Please walk over if Mommie Dearest with commentary by Lypsynka might do the trick. You are an amazing woman, MaryBeth, and never let anyone tell you what you are supposed to be feeling. I know that you wont.

  4. Mother's Day is hard. I don't particularly like it because it all seems so superficial. I don't really like birthdays anymore either. I've never really "felt" like a mother and I'm not sure why. hope you got some good alone time.

  5. Thanks, all. I'm over my little tantrum, for now. The hardest part was feeling like I should be having "fun." As in, "Are you having a fun Mothers' Day?"

    Ummmm, if wanting to throw myself down a bottomless pit is "fun," then yep. Having a blast.

  6. I am wondering if your son and husband are getting enough love from you right now. Please be careful, as you don't want to feel any regret, or make your son feel less loved because of something he couldn't change. Also, have you considered talking to a therapist?

  7. Mary Beth, I was already mad (not at you) when I read the post - because you are so right about all of it.

    But when I read that anonymous comment, there at the end:

    Anonymous, How. Dare. You. HOW DARE YOU. HOW DARE YOU?????! You hateful, spiteful, wretched witch of a human being. Yes, I am seriously, thoroughly RIPPED OFF and feel like doing things I've only read about in books.

    Somehow you think that grief cancels out love? Somehow, in some universe, you've gotten the insane (vicious!) impression that Mary Beth doesn't love her husband and son - or isn't showing it?!??

    And somehow, in some universe, you think that adding guilt to her plate (as if grieving parents don't struggle with that enough on their own) is a helpful idea? That maybe, her son will end up feeling "less loved because of something he couldn't change?" As if she's not pouring every bit of the life blood she has left, every day, into loving that little boy?

    I'm so ashamed of you. You make me sick. And on top of it all, you're a coward. If you're going to leave a comment like that, at least own it.

    I'm somewhat sorry to get into a dogfight like this on someone else's blog, but really, I don't see any point in holding it in.

    And no, I'm not going to talk to a therapist about it - and Mary Beth doesn't need to, either, unless she wants to...otherwise known as HER BUSINESS, NOT YOURS.

    I don't know when I've been so tempted to kick someone. Hard.

    Sorry, Mary Beth. I'm sorry this is in your comments. And I still want to do something violent to someone anonymous out there.

    Cathy in Missouri