Saturday, February 13, 2010


I am two people. I have two faces. I am here, yet so very far away.

You see, I don't really know how to exist in this world. I feel fractured in two. I listen, I laugh, I participate, I show up. But I'm not really there. I am always in another world, one foot in the here and now, the other holding open the door to my own little existence. The world didn't stop for me, but I am stuck back in just one moment, one memory.

And since I am always there, I cannot fully be HERE. Today. Present. I know moving forward means living in the present, being present. But. I can't. I put on a good show. I ask questions at appropriate intervals, I participate in the give-and-take of normal conversation. I run. I shop. I laugh. I eat.

But then.

The resolve-breaking harmonies of Flee.t
Chocolate Underg.round yogurt.
A book read before Christmas.
The Life is Good onesie bought when I was SURE she was a girl, even without ultrasound confirmation.
Dried cherries.
Vacation photos.
An email from glamou.rmom.

I can't see because I'm crying, crying, crying and I can't breathe through the sobbing.

1 comment:

  1. It's hard to be on the outside when the inside is so loud.
    Luckily it does get quieter.
    Now's the time to turn inward. Indulge the grief when it needs to be.