I am two people. I have two faces. I am here, yet so very far away.
You see, I don't really know how to exist in this world. I feel fractured in two. I listen, I laugh, I participate, I show up. But I'm not really there. I am always in another world, one foot in the here and now, the other holding open the door to my own little existence. The world didn't stop for me, but I am stuck back in just one moment, one memory.
And since I am always there, I cannot fully be HERE. Today. Present. I know moving forward means living in the present, being present. But. I can't. I put on a good show. I ask questions at appropriate intervals, I participate in the give-and-take of normal conversation. I run. I shop. I laugh. I eat.
The resolve-breaking harmonies of Flee.t Fox.es.
Chocolate Underg.round yogurt.
A book read before Christmas.
The Life is Good onesie bought when I was SURE she was a girl, even without ultrasound confirmation.
An email from glamou.rmom.
I can't see because I'm crying, crying, crying and I can't breathe through the sobbing.