Nothing.
C and I met with my doctor today. She was awesome--explained EVERYTHING that happened and could have happened and tests that happened to us, leaving no stone unturned. Answered all of our questions, offered guidance and support. Basically none of the tests--autopsy, genetic tests, pathology--have shown any reason for Calla to have died. There are still a few parts that have to come back--placenta pathology, for example (at least I think that's what she said)--that could reveal some answers. But overall, nada.
Huh.
So, if this mysterious NOTHING hadn't happened, then I'd be still pregnant, or holding my baby girl right now. Weird. It's amazing how in these modern times, we know so much but still know so little. The human body has a way of doing its thing, despite modern medicine.
I'm kind of oversimplifying things here. I'm not so great at remembering details and nitty-gritty. I was basically waiting to hear what I needed to hear, and then let C absorb all the rest.
It wasn't the bacon. It wasn't the anti-bacterial cream. It wasn't an infection or virus or undercooked meat. It wasn't the worry that I wouldn't, couldn't be a good mother to two children. It wasn't the worry of getting two kids into the car and around the grocery store. It wasn't the running. It wasn't any of these things that I control in my life. It was . . . out of my control.
So, moving forward, there appears to be no increased risk of this happening again. So far. Tell that to my already-neurotic-worrywort brain. When we're ready, we're ready. Barring any major issues from outstanding tests, it's an eventual green light.
But still I'm sad. How can nothing take away everything?
I hope you didn't really think it was something you did, silly girl! Unless you chugged a gallon of vodka while smoking a pack of cigaretes and jumping on a trampoline, it was never going to be your fault. But I'm glad this talk with your doctor has solidified that for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing all of this, by the way. It's pretty brave of you.
Now, go run or something :)
Mary Beth, As a fellow control/neurotic I understand your need for answers and hope you find some peace in knowing that this was, beyond your control, you did everything right. An eventual green light, when you are ready, is wonderful, the world needs more people like you!Run on friend, Jessica
ReplyDeleteYour tone sounds hopeful, and that's nice to hear, whatever emotions come down the pike. I wasn't sure whether to wish for an answer or no answer, so I just thought about you last night and hoped you would come out alright. Keep sharing, we are all along with you.
ReplyDeleteI like how you say it was out of your control. Keep those words in mind as you may need to say them to yourself again. When J died, even though the cord was the evident cause because it was wrapped so tightly around her leg it left welts, there was still nothing we could have done. And although that's a big 'nothing', there was some solace in that. And when you guys do decide to have another, the 'nothing' might just keep you sane throughout the pregnancy. I know it did me. Knowing that I did everything right, that the doctors did all they could do, and still, she was gone. I hate the nothing, but glad you have some answers. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteYour doctor sounds like a lovely caring professional! So glad for you.
ReplyDelete(Diana)