Fuck, you Duggar Family. Who do you think you are, hogging all the good baby-making mojo? And you, Jon and Kate--you two can kiss my fat ass. How dare you make a spectacle of your family and your--boohoo--8 perfect kids? Go fuck yourselves.
I am really effing mad today. And really, really sad. I feel like I'm sitting here, spinning my wheels, while the rest of the world goes on and on and on. Tra la fucking la. I am sick of being magnanimous and strong and positive. I'M SICK OF IT! I'M MISERABLE, GODDAMMIT!
I hate that I might not have any answers to all my questions. I hate that I have to sit here and wait, helplessly, for answers that may never, ever come. I hate that we may get an answer that could change our future forever. I hate that I have to force myself to eat. I hate when I get impatient with my beautiful, perfect son. I hate that I'm becoming obsessed with the Internet, blogs, stories about people I don't know and, quite frankly, never wanted to know about. I hate that I have a head full of "what ifs" and "maybes" and thoughts of an uncertain future. I hate being sad all the time. I hate that I have a daughter who died. I hate that she will never be more than a memory, I'll never hear her laugh or her voice, or get to smell her and clothe her and love her as a growing little person. FUCKING A I hate this.
And I hate that I can be rational, and find the positive, and know the world is bigger than me and my problems. I just want to be selfish and small and weak, for now.