Saturday, January 23, 2010

Fair Warning

A note of caution: sensitive readers may be offended by the following post. I am pissed and sad and crazy mad and having a really bad day. Prepare, ye, for a few F-bombs.

Fuck, you Duggar Family. Who do you think you are, hogging all the good baby-making mojo? And you, Jon and Kate--you two can kiss my fat ass. How dare you make a spectacle of your family and your--boohoo--8 perfect kids? Go fuck yourselves.

I am really effing mad today. And really, really sad. I feel like I'm sitting here, spinning my wheels, while the rest of the world goes on and on and on. Tra la fucking la. I am sick of being magnanimous and strong and positive. I'M SICK OF IT! I'M MISERABLE, GODDAMMIT!

I hate that I might not have any answers to all my questions. I hate that I have to sit here and wait, helplessly, for answers that may never, ever come. I hate that we may get an answer that could change our future forever. I hate that I have to force myself to eat. I hate when I get impatient with my beautiful, perfect son. I hate that I'm becoming obsessed with the Internet, blogs, stories about people I don't know and, quite frankly, never wanted to know about. I hate that I have a head full of "what ifs" and "maybes" and thoughts of an uncertain future. I hate being sad all the time. I hate that I have a daughter who died. I hate that she will never be more than a memory, I'll never hear her laugh or her voice, or get to smell her and clothe her and love her as a growing little person. FUCKING A I hate this.

And I hate that I can be rational, and find the positive, and know the world is bigger than me and my problems. I just want to be selfish and small and weak, for now.


  1. nothing selfish, small or weak about it - about you or about your feelings

    it's a necessary post and a valid search for the catharsis you need

    you are your family's strength as they are yours

  2. I hate that you (and your family) have to go through this. Sending a hug. {{{MB}}}}

  3. I hate that you have to be in this awful place. I hate that your daughter couldn't stay.

    I know having a living child is a doubl-edged sword. The guilt that you feel when you feel like you aren't being the best mother because you're grieving. And yet, it does give you something to have to get out of bed for everyday.

    Try and be gentle with yourself. It's okay to be selfish and tunnel inward. No one understands a mother's grief like a mother who has had to say goodbye. Your heart is forever broken. *hugs*

  4. I hate that you have to be in this place. I went through that...the grieving, the bitterness, the hatred. It took me a long time to look at people with an open heart. Right now it is okay to be selfish and mad and feel everything with a hurt heart.
    I have not carried a child like you but I know what it is to have that loss and it hurts like the devil.

    hang in there and email me if you want.

  5. Girl, you can be really effing mad as much as you have to!! It's prefectly ok to be selfish right now. Do whatever you have to; yell, cry, hit something, break something. Just let it out!!

  6. The only thing I want to scream on your behalf - and so, this is for you is: FUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK!