Wednesday, November 23, 2011


My favorite holiday is just one day away. Lovely Thanksgiving, with all its deliciousness and warmth and fun Turkey Trotting to start it off. When I was a working gal, outside the home, of course, I looked forward to this beautiful gift of a three-day-work-week. A bonus Friday off, to boot! A little sorbet of freedom to wash down the richness of the previous day's obligation-filled feast.

I don't, of course, love the nonsensical myth attached to Thanksgiving. Please, like the Pilgrims (pilgrims, thank you) could have afforded buckles, to start things off. Maybe somewhere in the genesis of the relationship between Native People and Europeans back in seventeenth-century/northeast current-day-USA was a benevolent, or even benignly indifferent sense of community. But I doubt Squanto and the Wampanoags really didn't bargain on the next few hundred years of genocide, disease and land snatching.

But I digress.

Our family life, as of late, has taken a sharp right turn and we've been stuck smack dab in the middle of Insanesville for almost three weeks. My whole self has been absolutely consumed with E, and to a lesser extent O, and their emotional and physical well being. Which is not to say I'm some sort of neglectful mother otherwise. But things have gotten INTENSE over here. Double ear infections for both boys, anti-biotics, no sleep, teething, newfound limit pushing, and did I mention no sleep?

I have been trying to surrender, or as C likes to say, let life lead in the dance. It is nearly working. I am walking a fine line between surrendering and feeling steamrolled.

There are certain things I am willing to overlook. Screaming for screaming's sake=mostly fine, as long as no one is napping. Kicking a little brother in the chest=not ever OK. It is difficult to sort these things out and maintain some sense of confidence, that somehow I am not warping these little minds and hearts.

The other afternoon, as I was driving the boys to have their pictures taken, a song came on that just knocked the wind out of me. It took me back to a time almost three years ago now. Then, E was ALMOST sleeping through the night, an older infant. I was starting marathon training in the frosty winter, looking forward to finishing and then trying to get pregnant again. My life, while at the time seemed overwhelming, was so simple and naive and easy. Every time I hear this song I can picture where exactly I was on my long run, slipping through the snowy streets, huffing and puffing and singing under my breath:

And so when, on the Thruway the other day, it came bouncing out of the speakers, I was taken back and I mourned my old self. I mourned my girl who hadn't yet been conceived but was so imagined and wished for. Part of the plan that unravelled before it could even be put into place.

When I was pregnant with Calla I remember wanting to run up until the Turkey Trot, which put me at about seven months pregnant. I smugly ran the 4.97 miles that Thanksgiving morning in 2009, thinking I was well on my way to a healthy delivery in a few months. Then January 2010 came and smacked me in the face, knocked me on my ass and screamed "HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, BITCH?!"

I need things to settle down here, because the last thing I can think about is my sweet girl. I miss visiting her in my heart, having the luxury of a few minutes of peace to remember her dark curls, her sweet, silent face, her tiny fingers and toes, her perfect mouth.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, wherever you are.


  1. ...afford buckles... That made me laugh.

    I hope things settle down for your family and you can get some much needed respite.

    Happy Thanksgiving...and I'm big The Shins fan myself.

  2. Must be something in the water. Things have been nuts here too, but thankfully only with one of them (the big one).
    Happy thanksgiving, American friend. We obviously don't do the whole thanksgiving thing, but today I'll be thankful for you. xo

    ps: LOVE the shins. We played a Shins song as Hope was lowered in to the ground. Yeah, can't listen to that much anymore....

  3. Hope things settle down. Does saying it's not OK to kick a brother in the chest inspire another kick? That's where we seem to be (substitute sister). I remember last December all I wanted was a minute to sit and have space and how very hard that was to accomplish. Hope you get as much of that as you need.

    It's amazing how a song can take you back.

  4. I love the Shins too, this is such a great song.
    I hope things calm down a bit for you.
    Have a very Happy Thanksgiving, I'm thinking of you and Calla! <3

  5. Another Shins fan here. It's a lovely song.

    Sorry that things are intense with your two at the moment. I'm dreading the first bout of dual illness. Also desperately trying to instil deep NOT OK-ness of kicking younger siblings in the chest, or indeed anybody (including one's own mother) in the chest. Particularly when said mother is still breastfeeding because that hurts.

    It's hard when you get side swiped and you just want a moment and there simply isn't one. Just a moment to sit and visit with them. You've described it so perfectly.

    Hope your dear little loves are better soon, I'm off to go and google this mysterious 'Turkey Trot' I keep hearing so much about! xo

  6. The other day I drove by a florist and saw on their sign: "Calla Lilies."

    The tears came up right away. It is funny how a word I never used to notice surfaces and I feel the pain much has been taken from you. This punch must hit your gut in a million ways on a million days.

    Calla, we want you back.

    Cathy in Missouri