Friday, August 27, 2010


Lately I've been feeling self-conscious, transparent, overwhelmed, inadequate. No one particular straw has broken this camel's back, but somedays I feel a steady crumbling inside.

I think it all started with stupid, ridiculous FB. I read a quote, somewhere, that the Internet is "both my lifeline and the plastic bag over my head." So true these days for me. Days when I'm feeling especially low, FB can really send me into a spiral of despair. Seeing other people's fabulous pictures and reading about adventures makes me feel like a lump. Realizing someone de-friended me triggers the beginning of an anxiety-riddled afternoon. No matter I haven't seen or spoken to this person since college, it still makes me question every status update and picture--did I do something wrong? It's the old seventh-grade mentality bubbling to my brain's surface.

And then I think about comments I post on other people's blogs. Am I too self-centered? Do I even make sense? Does anyone even care what I have to say? I should just read, and lurk, and shut the hell up, that's what I should do.

But then it leads to my own blog. Do I sound like a whiny, ungrateful turd? Probably. I am ever so grateful to be pregnant, but am scared shitless 99.9% of every waking moment. My grief glasses taint everything I see, I worry constantly about this baby and my two year old. I can't get to a point in this pregnancy where I can ever relax and "enjoy" it. But still I feel like my words read like a spoiled brat.

And then the minutiae of life starts creeping in around the edges: cleaning my house, dealing with my neurotic dog, toilet training, making dinner, making sure everyone's eating the right food . . . all the little things that are in everyone's life. When something starts to go kerflooey I feel my emotional house of cards start to wobble. And then I'm a real treat to have around.

I am lucky. I have a great life. My husband is wonderful and supportive and caring and great with our son. E is about the best kid a mother could hope for--despite his 2-year-old power grabs, his boundless energy compared with my waning vim, his volume (read: louder than you can imagine, always). I love that little boy with every molecule in my being. I am fortunate enough to be growing this new little boy inside me, and everything, so far, looks good.

But somedays, when I overindulge in the coffee, my head starts to spin and my self-esteem funnels away, leaving me feeling like a complete loser.


  1. I hear you on this post. My grief glasses are usually all that I seem to see through, and that teamed up with regular life responsibilities seem daunting least for me. Sending great big ((hugs)) your way.

  2. I could have written this post (if I were as eloquent). Thank you for writing it.

  3. Someone de-frieded me this week. It left me rattled. Not surprised that it was the week after said dead daughter's birthday, when all my posting about her obviously got too much.
    I love your comments on my blog, and I love this blog. You sound perfectly normal to me.
    Should look you up on the old FB. Power in numbers!

  4. Hey thanks guys. Definitely look me up on FB--look under Scott--and we'll rule the school.

  5. Sometimes our grief just consumes anything that could possibly be good because the whole emotion if so powerful. It makes us vulnerable to everything... It's impossible to live a normal life anymore...and we are just waiting for the next possible thing that could happen. The best advice I can give is to stay strong and continue to think happy thoughts. Hugs to you...

  6. Coming out of lurking to tell you that you do not sound ungrateful or whiney in your posts in fact I think you sound pretty grounded considering what you have gone through. Caffeine definitely has the same affect on me too trying to cut out even my one cup a day habit but its hard. We all have those days, hang in there!

  7. I don't think that it's possible to become a spoiled brat from living with unimaginable grief that is coupled together with the potential for unbelievable joy. Too much of an emotional dichotomy. You are riding the waves of emotion and you are keeping your head above water, even when you feel yourself sinking. Facebook/schmacebook; dump those worries down the drain. J ate pretzles and ketchup yesterday. Yup. Pretzles and ketchup. And he is in a diaper, yup, at three. And I am a pediatrician. Talk about failure to launch. Hang in there.

  8. Wow, I feel exactly like that. I couldn't put it into words, but I kept apologizing for all the whiny, self-indulgent posts. I agree with Heather - you can't be a brat after going through the loss of a child. It's the rest of the world that doesn't understand and can't comprehend. I will listen to all the whining you want to dish out, nodding my head the whole time.

    As for facebook - that did not survive my grief. I think anyone that can still use it after this type of loss is very brave. I just couldn't take the day to day, mostly happy, mostly petty crap on there. Especially the stupid surveys and pokes sent by "friends". Of course I'm not going to hug you back, idiot! I AM GRIEVING!

    :) really not bitter, can you tell?

  9. I hope my FB posts don't send you spiraling... I definitely don't mean them to... Rachel

  10. You never, ever EVER sound whiny or ungrateful or self-centered. Quite the opposite, actually. You are anything BUT self-absorbed. And if you worry about how your blog words sound: don't. A blog is FOR you to lay out your own thinking out loud. It's there so you can talk about whatever's on your mind - and it's FOR YOU.

    For the record, I think FB is exactly the place for tossing out random thoughts and silly one-liners - it would never even occur to me that your commenting is in any way self-entered. Never lurk - always post!!!!

  11. "And then I think about comments I post on other people's blogs. Am I too self-centered? Do I even make sense? Does anyone even care what I have to say? I should just read, and lurk, and shut the hell up, that's what I should do.

    But then it leads to my own blog. Do I sound like a whiny, ungrateful turd? Probably."

    No, no, no, no, no, none of the above!!!

    Your comments are not self-centered, I (for one of many) definitely want to know what you have to say, you make lucid sense every time, and never - no never, never, ever - have I heard you come off like a whiny, ungrateful turd. Not even close.

    I avoid FB like the plague and probably always will. I think you're brave to even "go there."

    Please *Don't* Shut The Hell Up, Ever,

    Cathy in Missouri