Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Almost Three

2013 has not been kind to our little household. My boys have been sick, trading germs back and forth, since before Thanksgiving. After rounds of antibiotics, ibuprofen, and days off from school, I'd naively assumed they were out of the woods.

Cut to 4 PM NewYear's Eve, a house full of parents, children, one dog and lots of food. And O getting crankier by the minute. He went to be at 7:30, only to wake up at 11 and stay up until 4. AM. And then get up for good at 5:45.

Two days later, E's sick with the same, only this time he gets a nearly 105 degree fever, sending us to pediatric emergency care on a Saturday night. We were panicky, a banner of "meningitismeningitismeningitis" flashing across our brains.

Not to mention, three years ago on this very same weekend, we were racing in the exact same direction to the hospital just down the block from the emergency care facility, with a similar yet distinctly different chorus ringing in our ears.

I sobbed the entire way there on Saturday, pleading with whatever energy there is in the Universe to please, don't take another one.

Double ear infection and conjuctivitis diagnoses after about an hour. Medicine prescribed, given, sent to bed. Nice and tidy, happy ending so far.


Tomorrow is Calla's birthday. Today is the day we found out she'd died. Three years ago right now I was starting to worry, but still wasn't even starting to freak out. That would come, a few hours to go.  Somehow three years have passed, and yet it still feels like just yesterday. But, that's not entirely true. Somedays it feels like a lifetime ago. And in many ways it was. Three years ago today was the very last day of my former life.

God, I can still hear the noises from that room so clearly; feel the soft, firm grip of the nurse's hand as we watched that terrible sonogram together, her gentle tears and my animal wails. The sheer horror that would ensue over the next twenty four hours, each minute that passed taking another shred of my hope and understanding of my world. How was I to survive that?

I did, though. There were beautiful moments, believe it or not. Holding my perfect, lifeless, beautiful baby girl. Her small weight heavy in my exhausted arms. My whole family, nearly, getting to hold her and bless her with their tears.  C and me, the only two people in the world who understand this particular loss in this particular way.

Damn. I miss her so very much. Always, the question remains for my dim little brain, is HOW? And also, WHY? But there never will be answers to those, really. I guess it doesn't matter.  The answer, as always, will be JUST BECAUSE IT IS.

Three years old. She might be getting ready for dancing school. Christmas may have been an even mix of pink and princess alongside the superhero-lego-playmobil insanity. Would she have kept that black curly hair? Who knows, really?

It's been three years, almost, since I held her. How could I have walked out of that room, left her there when it was time to go? She should have come home with us. But it was never to be. We had to leave, and so, I guess, did she. I hate so many things about her death. I do not hate that she was here, was mine, no matter how awful living without her might be.

I love you, baby girl. How I wish so very much you were here with us. I miss you, Calla Valentina.


We are on Day Five of our self-imposed quarantine. The boys are recovering, the marvels of modern medicine kicking in nicely. Tomorrow we will likely go to breakfast, spend the day together as a family, go on and about our day as usual. We will light our candle and the space between then and now  will grow a little wider.

I am grateful for our life. We have so very much and are really, truly, quite happy. The sadness will never leave, and what kind of person would I be if it did?  Being sad is important, so tomorrow we will honor our sadness even more.

Be well. Thank you for reading.


  1. Thank you for sharing this. It helps me to keep things in perspective. May God bless and keep you and your family.

  2. Remembering your beautiful daughter, Calla Valentina, especially today and tomorrow.

    So glad that E is ok. So sorry that your little girl could not have the same happy outcome. Just so very sorry.

    Sending love from me to you xo

  3. And I'm crying because I miss her too. I'm so sad to know what you have experienced. That you can no hold, kiss and watch grow your beautiful baby girl. I'm just so sorry. I wish it was different. How, why??? We all want to know. It just is... That echos in my soul. It still makes me angry. How unfair and pointless. You will love her and miss her forever.
    And I get that terrifying panic anxiety of losing O... My god we are so fragile and we know all to well about loss. It seeps into everything and latches its wet grippy tentacles onto all aspects of life. I am so glad he is okay. But I get it. I know in my email I accidentally said Xalla's birthday was in February but I know you knew I ment January- um hence the photo. your birthday is next month. Anyway sending love and still reading and caring. I will light a candle for Calla.

  4. Remembering your girl with you. That race to the ER...my heart was in my throat reading about it, remembering my own race, and the missing. Dammit, the missing. It is so palpable. When my kids gets sick, I am like 0 to 100 immediately. It's all death and grief and catastrophe and I'm hoping to let that go one day and just let them be sick. Love you and your beautiful Calla with the gypsy curls.

  5. "I do not hate that she was here, was mine, no matter how awful living without her might be."
    Yes. She will always be yours. I wish she was here to celebrate her birthday.
    *Happy birthday Calla and big hugs to your family*

  6. always missing her with you Mary Beth.
    always missing you, Calla. I hope so much that you know how much you are missed loved.