Tuesday, December 18, 2012


I have no time to write. I have no time for, really, anything right now. With Christmas a week away, I am buried in a self-created pit of cookies, wrapping paper, and Elf shenanigan planning.

And, I say this without the slightest trace of my usual irony, lucky, lucky me.

Like the rest of our country, and some of the rest of the world, I am beyond devastated for the families in Connecticut who are forever changed by, well, you know. I can't bring myself to think of that boy's name--and yes, I mean boy despite his being 20, or however old he was. Those children, those teachers . . . just gone. For no reason other than someone else's personal . . . what? Suffering? Anger? Vendetta? No reason, really. Just because.

And it feels like we, as a collective country/society/world, can do nothing but blame blame blame. It feels necessary to look for an answer, a WHY to follow the WHAT and the HOW. But guess what? There is no WHY. Only a big, fat IS, WAS, DID.

Maybe we should blame the guns. Yes, yes, it was the guns. No wait! It's the access to mental healthcare, the way we treat people with mental illness. No, it was actually his MOTHER'S fault! Yes, the mother, as per usual, right? Oh but wait, maybe it was the video games. Or maybe the movies. Or television. But probably it was the President's fault--no, that's not right. It was God's fault. Nope, got it wrong again, it's because God was "kicked out" of school (my personal favorite--there's that irony!).

It was all of this and none of this (OK, I'm almost positive it wasn't the god-kicked-out-of-school thing--that's shit thinking is just inexcusable). It was a young man who had a weapon and took the lives of 26 people and filled the broken hearts of our country with absolute fear. The end.

And arguing about it? Co-opting the sheer anguish of these grieving families? Disgusting. I get that we all grieve differently, and for some of us clicking on FB links and pictures and sharing vapid messages makes us feel empowered. But really? This is the best we can do?

I've had enough of the pablum that comes along with tragedy. "Light a candle for . . ." "Hug your children . . ." "Wear school colors . . ." Frankly, I've had enough of this type of tragedy to last a thousand lifetimes. Shit, I'm tired of the word "tragedy."

Among the phrases and words that make me want to scream, coincidentally, is tragedy, along with its qualifier "unthinkable." Really? Unthinkable? It wouldn't be nearly as terrifying if you couldn't imagine it, couldn't believe it could happen to your family, your child, your parent, your friend if you truly *couldn't* imagine it.

I'm a jerk, right? I am. I'm really, really sad. None of this bullshit we call "helping" does JACK for these mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents, children, and friends in utter agony right now. My own solution? Forget all that noise, the memes and the FB pages and the pictures of sad candles and the j-man field trip. Send light, and love, directly from my own broken heart to theirs. Say the names of those children and teachers. Honor their memory by emblazoning their faces on my heart, making room for them there with all the others.

Turning off the television, tuning in to their pain and honoring it. Shutting out the distractions and sending them love. This is all that makes sense to me, it is all I would want.

It's all I did want.

Love to you all. xo


  1. I totally hear this! I haven't worn school colors or lit a candle... I just cry fir them, for me, for us...because as much as you nay not like the word it is so FUCKING tragic. Unfortunately the tragedies keep happening and the word is becoming less useful and these horrific events become more common place.
    I can tell you that one of my thoughts, which only would come from someone who has been lost and alone in grief is: these moms and dads have a built in support group. All their children died together, I had to actively search for someone who had walked in my shoes... So for that I am glad that they have eachother. Weird I know.

    It wasn't that god got kicked out of school.. That I know for sure. It wasn't the gun's fault, it can't shoot itself, sure that guy was an evil unstable fucker, but if he didn't have access to a gun, maybe he would have thrown himself off a bridge or something much less devastating for 26 people and their families.

    I've cried every day about this. I send love to their families because I can imagine them going home to their child's room and sobbing on their bed, trying to smell all their clothes right into their hearts, looking at toys strewn around. Knowing they will never get to hear their baby's laughter again. I know how broken they are and how right now they can not breathe. Everyday is a struggle. I wish I didn't know that pain. I wish you didn't either. Thank you for speaking your truth

  2. Absolutely. You nailed it. Tuning into the pain. We get all these distractions about the incident, those news leads that say the shooter was this or that, and his mother had this or that, but we do need to send our love, compassion and light to the families grieving, and just tune out the noise. Thank you for this. Love to you. xo

  3. A-fucking-men. I have felt weird feeling so disturbed and upset about this all week, given it is not my country, but how can any human being on earth NOT feel this, not be shocked, disgusted and horrified right to the core. I really don't have any words to put to my feelings though. Doesn't matter now though, as you've done it here for me, perfectly.
    Those poor babies, their poor families. I don't pray, but in my non-religious kind of way, I am praying for your country, for the world, that something changes as a result of this.

  4. I too am tired of the God got kicked out of the school thing... it basically says to me that people also think that my Drew died because I don't go to church regularly.

  5. Sometimes I wonder if this perspective is only achievable by someone who has a dead child. I know that I shouldn't be so close-minded because there are people who are just born with a heavy dose of compassion but, I don't know, it seems a little lacking out there in the world. The FB posts about heavenly field trips last week just about sent me around the bend. Why are people so damn intent on making ourselves feel better, you know? There's nothing wrong with feeling sadness, people.

    Of course, I also find myself popping off about gun control. Guess old habits die hard.

    But, cookies and elf shenanigans. Your boys are lucky too.

    1. Once again, you have nailed it. There's nothing wrong with sadness. Exactly. It is a horrible thing, honor the horribleness of it instead of whitewashing it away.

      And I have been guilty of sticking my toe in the gun control pond as well because, like, duh.