I am afraid of October.
Not always, not every year. Just this year.
I am not afraid of witches.
I am not afraid of haunted houses.
I am not afraid of the dark.
I am not afraid of spiders (although I don't really prefer them, either).
I am not afraid of ghosts.
I am, this year, afraid of Halloween. Because Halloween is only days, less than a week before the doctors talk about amnio.centesis, of induction.
I am afraid he won't make it until then.
I am afraid of 35 weeks and 3 days.
I am afraid of 35 weeks and 4 days.
I am afraid of living the rest of my life like this.
I am afraid of living the rest of my life without my baby.
I am afraid of living the rest of my life without two babies.
A life ruled by fear is shit, let me tell you. Despite all the other good things that happen, that I have, the pervasive, underlying fear is like an anchor, drowning me.
My quiet joy it sitting alone, feeling this baby move. I could do it for days, weeks without end. As long as it doesn't end.
I am afraid of feeling that feeling again; the quiet stillness inside my body.
I am afraid he'll stop kicking.
I'm afraid of saying anything out loud.
I'm afraid my worst fears will come true.