Thursday, June 3, 2010

Supposed To

**Originally written beginning of May, 2010

I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to have finished this months ago. I'm supposed to be in the swing of infanthood, balanced with toddlerhood, and a dash of sleep deprivation. I'm supposed to be back to my original weight. I'm supposed to be fast, or at least fastER again. I'm supposed to fit into everything in my closet.

But here I am. Again. I would complain to anyone who would listen while carrying Calla inside that it was THE. LAST. TIME! No WAY was I doing THIS again! I'd already given away many maternity clothes. I had the rest pegged for consignment or donation, but CERTAINLY not for future wear BY ME.

A ha. Ha ha. Hahahahaha.

As I said, here I am again. I'm not supposed to be here, but I am. What else can I do?

And here's the part that REALLY makes my brain and heart hurt: If Calla was here, neither I, nor the new one inside, would be. Not in this spot. Numero Tre wouldn't be. (Let's not put the cart too far before the horse--3 ain't HERE here, but 3 is here, inside.)

Let's get real about this--I WAS DONE. Finito. Fin. Audi 5000. If Plan A had happened, no Plan B.

But here we are at Plan B--the plan I never thought about, never knew existed. Patched together with Krazyglue and hope and tears, love and fear. How do I wrap my head around this new future, new life?

If she were here, this one wouldn't be. How messed up is that?


  1. I think I'm the only one who gets angry with that baby. "You messed everything up! You were supposed to be here and this was how it was supposed to go." Now we will always have a plan B and maybe a C. Because we will never be able to think that ANYTHING will go according to plan. Hell, I'd probably get twins if I played conception roulette again.

  2. I'm so sorry you lost your precious Calla, what a beautiful name.

    Very messed up. I think about that all the time. I'm waiting to see if this cycle worked but even trying to get pregnant wouldn't be on my list if my son had lived. I was done too, or so I thought. Damn the universe for taking notice of my ignorance.

    Sadkitty - you are not the only one. Although I get angry at Aiden for hanging on so long, giving me hope and forcing me to make a terrible decision. I prayed for his heart to stop; how selfish is that?

  3. I know what you mean. There is no way my Angus would be here if Hope was. So it seems pointless when I wish for both my babies here, as never in a million years would they have been. Just wouldn't have happened. That egg.... well that egg just never would have got fertilised! Does my head in just thinking about it.