Friday, June 4, 2010

At the very least, I'll have white teeth.

**Written 5/13/2010

I went to the dentist today. Hadn't been there since November, when I was happily, hugely 6+ months pregnant. Fortunately every member of my family has been going to this same dentist since forever ago, so they already knew the story. We still talked about it anyway, and I made it through.

I'm pregnant again, as you know, but I didn't mention it today. Didn't want to get into it. I can't bring myself to say it out loud--maybe it's because I can't believe it, and won't believe it until, well, possibly this baby comes out alive. And stays that way. That seems like something out of a science fiction novel at this point.

Anyway I made my bi-annual appointment as I always do--this time, it's for November. If all goes according to--well, not PLAN, but assumption, then there's no way I'll be sitting in that chair six months from now. Not if I have a newborn at home--wait, what? Six months from now. Holy shit. Six. Months. So much can happen in half a year--hell, in half a minute--that can change my life forever.

I made the appointment anyway. If my life goes to shit again, at least I'll have good oral hygiene.

I can't even think about November. It hurts my brain and my heart to look out that far. I'm happy it's nearly mid-May and I'm still here. It's strange to think of all the immediate future holds: summer, going to the beach, the pool, eating dinner outside and sitting on the porch, wearing shorts and dresses, the farmers' market. Then it's the Fall again: apple picking, Halloween, bundling up . . . and then what?

Here I am, trudging through day after day, month after month. My body and heart grow heavier with each step. I'm trying to stay positive, confident, hopeful. But really? This is hard. I go from day to day, calendar block to calendar block, slowly passing from week to week. Double digits. Out of the first tri. Into the teens, then twenties? Thirties?

Really? I feel as though I'm in some sort of perverse video game, advancing through levels, making it to the next step. Birthday parties. Recitals. Dinners. Picnics. What will happen when I get to the last calendar block--or worse, if I don't?


  1. Congratulations! I am happy for you, even though you are conflicted. Plan B can be beautiful - much in life is Plan B, which makes it neither better or worse, just B. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that you have my love and support for each step of the journey.
    xxxAunt Diana

  2. All I know is that sometimes, just crossing the day off the calendar is enough. Living in the moment can be just a teensy bit trite. On really tough nights when I was a resident, we would say, "Sometimes we take time to teach and learn, and sometimes we just need to get the work DONE". Just cross it off day by day, take a deep breath each night, sleep and face the next day bravely. YOU CAN DO IT!