Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Amnesia and Worse

I can't remember if I was like this with E. I think maybe I was. It feels so much more immediate and desperate and consuming this time.

I am trying to not fall down the rabbit hole of panic that something is going to happen to baby O. That he won't wake up, that he'll be lost from me. I still feel this desperation about E, when I really stop to think and worry. I try to keep that in check, but it's so very hard.

Sneaking upstairs tonight I started to feel like a real worrywort. But I can't help it. Just lightly resting my hand on O's chest to feel it rising and falling releases the pressure. For now.

Please let him stay.


  1. I do it too with both of mine. Yes, I still check on Gabriel at night sometimes, even now that he's 10. I can imagine the nagging fear is much more acute for you, check them as often as you need to restore your calm.

  2. Every day for the last 2 years 8 months and 17 days this feeling weighs on me and consumes me. I fear it will never end and pray to somehow make peace with it--for everyone's sake.

  3. How else would you possibly feel? It's not wrong, it's part of you now. And you can and will still evolve.
    -Your fellow worrywart

  4. I do the same thing with Tristan and pray desperately each night and day that he stays safe.