Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Lately I've been having compulsive feelings. This pull is nothing new. My whole life I've dealt with compulsions of varying degrees of destruction.

I'm feeling like I want to be pregnant again.


I mean, not really. This past time knocked the piss out of me. But I look all around me. So many friends expecting second babies, friends of friends and moms in music class. And I'm envious.

Let me reiterate: I DO NOT WANT TO BE PREGNANT AGAIN. But. There's this nagging little feeling, like a voice saying, "Just do it. Just one more time. One more baby . . ." It's like I'm addicted to being pregnant.

I know where this voice comes from.  It comes from the same place it's always come from. The need to have more; more will make it better, more will make things right, and whole, and fun, and, and, and. Just one more won't hurt; just one more will make everything OK.  One more sale, one more drink, one more puff, one more date . . . and after all these one mores I'm still right back from where I thought I'd gotten past. Going back for more always gets me where I don't want to be.

The smell of a cigarette almost always makes me gag, but then there's those moments when the smell draws me in, beckons, just one drag, remember that feeling . . .  So, too, does the thought of pregnancy make me feel--NO WAY IN HELL but maybe, oh, it was so nice . . .

There's always something more. The success rate of inhabitants of my uterus making it out alive is barely 67%. No matter how many babies I could have it would never get to 100%. But there's the pull  . . .

I'm envious, I guess, of that blissfully naive pregnancy. I'm envious of other people's plans going smoothly, babies arriving whole and healthy without a second thought of anything going wrong. I'm envious of people who don't everyone sad; envious of the pregnant woman no one worries every second about.

It's always envy that fuels my compulsions. I have most of them in check. Finding the peace in having enough is always my challenge.


  1. I totally get this. The envy is enough to drive a woman crazy.
    And I feel addicted to pregnancy, too. For me, and I suspect maybe you as well (though I'm just speculating) there is also a huge drive to have another little girl. Not a replacement or anything like that of course as I'm sure some would assume, but a daughter to try and reclaim that mother/daughter thing I had so brutally snatched from me. I don't feel that lucky though.

  2. The disease of more -- I am intimately familiar with it. No more drinks, no more cigarettes, no more pregnancies. I've resorted to coffee. I stripped away all the fun stuff but currently drink an obscene amount of coffee each day just to feel something different. To not feel me. It's slowly getting better though. Thanks for writing about it. Love you.

  3. I get it. Now it is more a dream then a burning need. Nonetheless I feel jealous of families of 3. I have the girls who sandwich their brother baby taz who is a star to the little one and a brother to the big one. Most days I look in the back seat and picture him in the empty seat with them. I will always wish he could have lived and been bouncing off to kindergarten in September to join his big sister at the elementary school. Thanks for this post-so resonates the addiction. But isn't it just and addiction to love and the feeling of your heart expanding to make room for more love-hmmmmmmm?

  4. That was a really clear and concise look at what you're feeling. It's hard to know when enough is enough sometimes. Now maybe you'll be on to one more run...

  5. I echo what Sally said. I swore 2 weeks ago to my husband that this was it. But I don't have that done feeling. I wish I could feel like my family was complete, but it will never feel that way. And that sucks.