Tuesday, December 28, 2010


They've come and gone, the eight million days of Christmas. There's still New Year's Eve to wrap things up, to be certain. We've got good plans this year.  It's all so familiar, yet all so surreal.

I keep thinking, "Last year . . ." all while living this year. And this year's holiday season has been a good one. But there's still last year's memories to contend with.

The gifts have been opened, played with, stashed in their new places. Photos taken on our crappy camera--I curse that damn thing every time I try to take a picture. I have approximately one good photo out of 300--but the pictures have been uploaded and ordered anyway.  Cookies have been baked, eaten, also cursed for being so delicious and handy. The haze of the days is slowly washing off.

And yet. As one year approaches, I still find it hard to believe. Did that really happen? Do I have a daughter who died? Yes, dear. Yes I do.

We keep going. We laugh. We smile. We show up. We bake cookies. We wrap gifts. And sometimes amidst those happy things we cry. That's what we do. That's how it works.

My brain is still in newborn-cum-holidays fog. I've been composing some brilliant posts during O's middle-of-the-night feedings. Unfortunately by morning, they're lost. But I'm assuming one day I'll be able to string something of consequence together.

Until then, I'm counting down the days to bid 2010 a kick-in-the-ass-out-the-door adieu.  This motherfucker was a shit-ass year. Mostly. With lots of good stuff sprinkled around the edges.


  1. I second with bidding adieu to 2010....here's looking forward to the "goodness" of 2011. ((hugs))

  2. You've had a bigger year than anyone I "know" I think. Bookended by serious bad and serious good. I don't know how you resolve any of that in your head when you wave it goodbye.
    Know that I am thinking of Calla as the year draws to a close. She is loved and remembered.

  3. I agree -- 2010 was one shitty, shitty year. Please, please, for you and me, let 2011 bring us joy and peace. No dead daughters, no locked psych wards. Just a return to normalcy.

  4. I was just listening to Willie and Bonnie Raitt sing: "You can see how all the pieces fit as you watch them fall apart." That's it in a nutshell.

  5. Your year has been a hell of a roller coaster. You have experienced the worst and then the best thing in such a short time. I am sure you spin around sometimes just thinking about it. Hang in there as this year come to a close and Calla's anniversary draws near and know that we are all thinking about her too.

  6. I don't have any midnight feedings and I still don't manage to string a post together! Ha. Hoping so much for this next year to be better...for less sprinkling of the good things...how about they are poured out in abundance? Sending love to you, and remembering Calla.